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Welcome to Ask A MWLTF (Sure, that’s Mom Who Likes to F*ck.), a month-to-month nameless recommendation column from Scary Mommy. Right here we’ll dissect all of your burning questions on motherhood, intercourse, romance, intimacy, and friendship with the assistance of our columnist, Penelope, a author and psychological well being practitioner in coaching. She’ll dish out her most sound recommendation for fogeys on the fragile dance of elevating youngsters with out sacrificing different necessary relationships. E mail her at askpenelope@scarymommy.com.
Pricey MWLTF,
I’m a fortunately married mom of two, and I’ve at all times thought of myself a reasonably body-positive individual and tried to mannequin physique positivity for each of my daughters. I’ll be sincere; it hasn’t at all times been simple. I used to be in my early 30s after I obtained pregnant with my first daughter, and on the time, I’d kind of made peace with my measurement 14 determine. I knew I’d by no means seem like the ladies on the covers of the magazines I consumed as a pre-teen within the ‘80s, however that was fantastic. I felt wholesome and joyful in my physique. Throughout my first being pregnant, I gained the burden of my child, plus 25 kilos of what my OB known as “maternal reserves.” The child weight got here off. The maternal reserves caught round. The identical factor occurred with my second being pregnant, and earlier than I knew it, I used to be, in line with my physician’s BMI chart, “reasonably overweight.”
My husband is a sweetheart and informed me typically that he didn’t discover me any much less engaging than the day we met. I believed him, however all the identical, the burden took a toll on my intercourse drive. I simply didn’t really feel as horny or as uninhibited as I had earlier than the additional kilos. I attempted all the standard diets, the completely different exercising fads, however nothing ever appeared to carry everlasting outcomes. Then, about six months in the past, I talked with my physician and determined to provide a few of the new GLP-1 inhibitor medicines a strive. The outcomes have been superior. I adopted a wholesome consuming plan and dropped 40 kilos in 5 months. I used to be again within the measurement 14, curvy, horny physique of my 20s. Additionally, I regarded sizzling. I purchased a brand new, sexier wardrobe. I began carrying extra make-up. I even discovered myself being a bit of extra flirtatious in social conditions — although by no means in a approach that crossed any boundaries. Nonetheless, my husband observed the modifications and, to my shock, did not like them.
He stated he felt insecure and frightened that with my thinner physique again, I wouldn’t need him anymore and would discover somebody new. He stated he didn’t wish to really feel this manner, however he did. He grew cool to me and initiated intercourse much less typically. In response, I withdrew as effectively. Now, weirdly, I really feel as if my new, more healthy physique has one way or the other put my marital intercourse life (and possibly my marriage) in jeopardy, which isn’t an end result I ever might have imagined. I fear that I’m overreacting by taking my husband’s response as a private assault. On the similar time, WTF?
Yours,
Overreacting?
Pricey Overreacting,
As odd as this will likely sound, your letter delivered to thoughts a childhood reminiscence about breakfast cereal — an incident I hadn’t considered in many years. After I was 5 or 6, I noticed a business for one thing referred to as Strawberry Shortcake cereal, which sounded to me like essentially the most great factor I might think about. My dad and mom have been strict about sugary snacks and wouldn’t purchase Corn Flakes, a lot much less these pink pellets that have been principally excessive fructose corn syrup bombs in milk. For months, I begged and pleaded. I can nonetheless bear in mind how badly I needed it, only one field. Ultimately, they relented. Perhaps it was my birthday. My mom introduced house one lovely field of the cereal and poured me a heaping bowl. I took a number of gradual bites, then scarfed the remainder. It was presumably the sweetest factor I’d ever tasted, and possibly that’s why about an hour after consuming it, I vomited the entire bowl up. All that anticipation for nothing.
I carry up this reminiscence to not examine your very thrilling weight-loss journey to a stomach-turning indulgence however as a result of ever since this incident, I’ve struggled with the truth that, so typically, getting the issues I need most has led to unanticipated issues and disappointment. I believe this has been the case in all areas of life, however particularly in romantic relationships. Sexual want is messy and ever-changing. Our bodies are as effectively. And so whereas I utterly perceive how upsetting it should be on your husband to reply this method to your new, slimmer physique, I believe his response might be extra widespread than you’d guess. Change might be great, nevertheless it will also be scary, and I can think about that having your companion’s physique change so shortly, even when the modifications are constructive and wholesome, might set off some emotions of insecurity on his half after which frustration on yours. The a part of all of this that appears essentially the most promising is his proudly owning as much as his emotions — “he stated he didn’t wish to really feel this manner, however he did.”
Having the ability to establish and articulate one’s emotions to a companion — significantly when the sensation conveys one thing susceptible reminiscent of, “I’m afraid now that you simply’ve misplaced weight you’ll go away me” — and in addition having the ability to specific that you simply wish to really feel in a different way, is about half the battle of a profitable relationship. The opposite half (your half) is the power to tolerate a companion’s disagreeable emotions or insecurities, possibly even to precise compassion round them, after which to go proper together with the enterprise of being true to your self in spirit and flesh.
Due to the miracles of contemporary science, you’ve gotten again the physique through which you are feeling vibrantly your self. This sudden change makes your husband nervous. Supplied you don’t now run off and have a sordid affair along with your yoga teacher, he’ll get used to the modifications and are available to understand that your loyalty to him was at all times based mostly on excess of the truth that he accepted you at a better weight. Perhaps he’ll even be impressed to make some change of his personal.
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