What Is a ‘Velcro Child’ and Is It Regular?

Earlier than I had kids, I loved my private house. Hugs? Possibly a fast one if I actually preferred you. Now, I take pleasure in cuddles with my youngsters, however my second-born has taken issues to new ranges.

He’s practically 2-and-a-half and sticks to me just like the Velcro on his sneakers.

He’s a “Velcro child” (nicely, toddler)—one who society calls “clingy”.

I’m not the one one with a Velcro child. Just a few TikTok movies are racking up some pointed opinions on dealing with infants who crave fixed bodily contact, no matter what you are doing round the home.

In a single video posted by @varneyfamily, a toddler who sees her mom trying to take some gadgets upstairs alone goes working after her, crying. Earlier than getting too far, mother goes again, picks up her crying little one (who instantly stops crying), and the 2 head upstairs collectively.

“This woman is my Velcro child,” the caption reads. “Getting something completed might be difficult. However I do know in the future she received’t need me anymore.”

One other mom who posts frequent vlogs below @arielvidal_ gave a behind-the-scenes have a look at what her Velcro child places her by means of. She tries to place her already-whimpering little one down onto a toilet self-importance telling them, “It’s okay”, however the child cries.

“POV everybody tells you [that] you have got it simple since you’re a SAHM (stay-at-home mother), however you maintain a child ALL day,” reads a textual content overlay. 

“Having a Velcro child is not any joke,” the mother says within the caption. “At occasions, I really feel so responsible having issues undone, however it’s unattainable to do some issues one-handed. [The] afternoon will get even crazier as a result of my son is autistic and has his personal challenges [that] want consideration. MOTHERHOOD is HARD. Being at dwelling 24/7 is HARD. It’s not the simple manner.”

Solutions in Solidarity

With Velcro infants clearly making even mundane duties troublesome for fogeys, lots of the commenters on each movies counsel letting the infant cry and doing what it is advisable to do.

“I am going to let mine cry for a bit if their dad is there as a result of mother wants a break too,” writes one individual on the video posted by @varneyfamily.

“Acquired to allow them to cry typically. It is going to be OK,” one other writes.

“Let that child cry,” says one other. “You’re making issues tougher on your self.”

However different veteran Velcro child mother and father disagree.

“The folks within the feedback speaking about ‘simply depart her’ clearly haven’t any clue what it’s like having a clingy child,” writes one individual. “After some time, ‘simply leaving her’ makes issues worse for everybody. If I’m in a position to proceed my activity with my child on my hip, I’ll completely achieve this. I’m there with you, mama.”

Er, identical right here. And from one other commenter, “Most of those feedback don’t move the vibe test. You might be doing all your greatest, mama! Having a Velcro child is so onerous. We’re hardwired to wish to consolation them! My son would simply hold crying if I put him down.”

Okay, so what do the consultants suppose? We requested. 

How To Deal with a Velcro Child

For starters, it would assist to listen to that Velcro infants aren’t making an attempt to control you or deliberately make your life tougher. There isn’t something incorrect with them otherwise you.

“After we discover clingy conduct from an attachment principle lens, we be taught that attachment is a survival mechanism,” says Kiana Shelton, LCSW, a Texas-based licensed scientific social employee with Mindpath Well being.

She factors out that for infants, bodily closeness to a father or mother/caregiver assures security. “It’s regular to see this intensify round 6 to 9 months as infants begin to be round extra folks, which intensifies the necessity for confirming security,” she says.

Abbey Sangmeister, MS.Ed, LPC, ACS, who works with mother and father by means of her observe, Evolving Entire, agrees. “Infants are ’Velcro’ as a result of they’ve a wholesome, safe attachment to that father or mother. Safe attachment is the muse for a child and little one to develop and develop in a wholesome manner.”

In fact, that doesn’t make coping with a Velcro child any much less intense or extra handy. Each consultants acknowledge that and supply some recommendation.

Embrace the Time As a substitute of Reducing It

Opposite to the concept of actively reducing contact time along with your Velcro child, Sangmeister says attempt leaning in to that point as a chance to relaxation and recharge–even when it means particular duties stay undone (or completed by another person).

“Once I work with mother and father which have a Velcro child, I encourage them to embrace the moments and decelerate,” she says. “Throughout that point when the father or mother can observe what is really happening, they are going to discover that they themselves had been dysregulated first and dashing.”

As for simply letting the kid cry, Sangmeister says that does not actually assist, as filling the kid’s want for connection is what lays the muse for safe attachment.

Create a Routine

Sure, infants and babies thrive on connection. Have you learnt how else they will thrive? By figuring out what to anticipate. Introducing a routine the place your little one is aware of when it is time to be shut and when it isn’t could assist to create a rhythm for them and also you, and even enhance their sense of security. 

“A predictable routine can help in safety. Giving infants the flexibility to know what to anticipate can scale back anxiousness,” Shelton confirms.

Take Child Steps–Not Huge Leaps

Talking of routine, the strolling earlier than working method ought to apply right here. Taking child steps when instructing a baby about separation will assist the concept sink in that it is okay to be aside out of your father or mother (as a result of they are going to come again).

“Gradual separation might be an effective way to assist the infant get used to being away from the father or mother/caregiver in what seems like manageable doses,” Shelton says.

You may begin with 30 seconds away from the kid earlier than returning, adopted by one minute, after which go from there.

Make the most of Verbal Communication and Observe-By

Sneaking away when your Velcro child isn’t wanting might be tempting, however Shelton gently advises towards this, as alerting your little one that your leaving can reassure them you’ll return.

“Whereas [saying goodbye] could create some discomfort and tears, it’s not as anxiety-producing because the child wanting away and looking out as much as see their father or mother/caregiver disappear,” she says.

Sangmeister factors out that verbally speaking your emotions as a father or mother can also be a good suggestion, even when your little one would not absolutely perceive.

“An instance might be, ‘Mommy is feeling overwhelmed proper now, and I perceive you wish to be held,'” she suggests. “Mommy will dance with you for the subsequent music, after which we’ll take a break.”

Sangmeister provides that the communication can progress because the little one will get older, providing, “Mommy feels overwhelmed and desires somewhat house for 5 minutes. Whereas mommy does that, why don’t you shade or play Legos? I’ll be a part of you after 5 minutes.”

“It will be significant that the father or mother returns in 5 minutes to proceed constructing belief and safe attachment,” she says.

Develop Self-Care Methods

Sure, your wants matter, too. Shelton suggests carving out intentional time–whether or not it is whereas the infant naps or a number of further minutes within the bathe, self-care would not at all times need to seem like a day on the spa.

Shelton additionally suggests contemplating the skilled assist choice. “A psychological well being skilled can enhance your instruments to handle this stress that comes together with a Velcro child and supply efficient coping methods,” she says.

Sangmeister presents some examples of efficient coping methods:

• Dancing to your favourite music whereas carrying the infant.
• Sitting on the ground holding the infant whereas taking deep breaths.
• Going for a stroll with the baby in a provider.
• Coloring with the kid in your lap.
• Studying a e book collectively.

It might sound cliche, however I take pleasure in doing meditation whereas my little one naps—or telling my husband to take the canines for his or her afternoon stroll whereas I nap.

Keep in mind It is a Season–Not a Sentence

Parenting a Velcro child is tough, and in the event you’re within the trenches, I’m proper there with you. Each Shelton and Sangmeister say day by day reminders will carry you thru.

“That is solely a season of this conduct, and it’ll not final,” Sangmeister says. “Embrace the Velcro now, ask for assist in a transparent manner, create self-care along with your little one, and bear in mind childhood has its seasons.”

Shelton provides that it may be onerous to get unsolicited recommendation about one thing as private as parenting, or give your self grace when evaluating your scenario to others.

“Do not forget that parenting will likely be a sacrifice, however you shouldn’t really feel such as you’re struggling,” she says. “Know that clingy conduct is a standard a part of little one improvement. It is a signal of a robust bond and safe attachment.”